"How many vaginas are in the house?"
When was the last time you heard someone shout that from the Madison Square Garden stage? No, not even a Spice Girls reunion concert or Lesbian Day at the WNBA could prompt such a question. And it wasn't so much a question as a call to arms when it came from the mouth of Eve Ensler, creator of The Vagina Monologues, at V-Day, a benefit staging of the play last Saturday. Eve had some help from a cast of over 70 actors, musicians, performers, and activists including such fabulous divas as Oprah, Carol Kane, Isabella Rossellini, and Rosie Perez-all deliciously decked out in fiery red satin, fuzzy pink sweaters, wine colored velvet, and fuschia feather boas and aptly named "The Vulva Choir." They talked about their vaginas, um, I mean they read from the play, to speak out against violence against women around the world. Talk about pussy power.
Although I had been told repeatedly on the phone there would be no celebrity access, I found myself on the press list at the post-performance celebration at the Hammerstein Ballroom. There I was, surrounded by ladies in red, and I didn't even have a tape recorder! While reporters from People and Marie Claire buzzed around them asking thoughtful questions about feminism and reclaiming women's bodies, I pondered my strategy as I fished for a small pink Hello Kitty notebook stashed in my purse. If I could ask all these powerful, sassy women just one question, here on V-Day, what would it be?
"What is your favorite word for vagina and why?"
I looked Swoosie Kurtz squarely in the eyes, hoping she wouldn't roll hers and have security remove me from the building.
"Twat."
"Twat?" I repeated, a little surprised I admit, but suddenly excited I had asked.
"Twat. Because I can finally say it. I mean, in grade school, I thought that was one of the worst words you could ever say, and now I am not only saying twat, I am saying it on stage. A friend said to me, 'You know Swoosie, you've done The Vagina Monologues so many times, you should change your name to Twatsie."
"And you liked that, didn't you?" I probed, suddenly feeling brave.
"I did," she said with a giddy smile on her face.
When I posed the question to Ann Magnuson, who currently appears in The Vagina Monologues off Broadway, she said, "China. Because I couldn't pronounce the word vagina when my mother first said it to me, so I called it china. It seems appropriate since it's halfway around the world."
"I thought it appropriate too, but in a different way," I said, "It's delicate, yet resilient and sometimes you want to put it on a pedestal with its own spotlight. And men, with their groping ways, can be bulls in china shops, get it?"
"Oh, I get it," she winked.
Once the better half of Superman and now a supermom, Teri Hatcher told me, "I am teaching my three year old daughter the word vagina. We were at a restaurant one night, in the bathroom, in stalls right next to each other. She asked me, 'Mommy why do you have a hairy vagina?' I called over the wall of the stall separating us, 'Because when women get older and mature, they get hair on their vaginas.' Well, actually it's the vulva and pubic mound, but close enough," Teri said to me as if we were cramming for a test on Our Bodies, Ourselves, then continued, "I told her, 'You'll have hair there too one day.' When we came out the of the stalls, a line of women had formed in the bathroom, and I just smiled at all of them..."
Since her monologue that night was the infamous "Reclaiming CUNT," where she said the word so many times with such love and conviction I swear I peed my pants, I paused before I approached Glenn Close.
"I am asking everyone the same question tonight, but for you, considering your monologue, it may be redundant: what is your favorite word for vagina and why?"
"I'd have to say cunt because I can say it. I'm not afraid of it anymore. I don't feel shame about it anymore. When Eve first asked me, I didn't think I could do it. I didn't think I could say it. But now I feel totally comfortable saying it." Trust me folks, cunt rolls off her tongue as naturally as it does off mine.
And so it went all night:
Marisa Tomei: "Coochie, because it's cute." I am sure it is, honey.
Kathy Najimy: "Woodle. It just happened one night, and now that's my word."
Lesbian comic Kate Clinton: "Puffy Gyn-it's so soft you just dive right in."
Law and Order: Special Victims Unit star Mariska Hargitay (who wasn't actually in the performance, but I spotted her at the party, and was on a roll): "I've got so many, it depends on what mood I'm in." Every girl should be so lucky.
When I finally caught up with feminist legend Gloria Steinem, her answer was: "Vagina is still my favorite word for vagina. Do you know that 60 Minutes wouldn't cover this event because they didn't want to say 'vagina' on the air? Because it's still a word that is difficult to print, to publish, to get the media to even say out loud, it's still important to remain my favorite."
"Oh, that's easy. It's very politically incorrect," said Jane Fonda, as if she was going to say she liked an Eminem record, "But it's pussy." Jane Fonda said pussy to me!
"That's her favorite word too," said a familiar voice from behind me. It was my girlfriend, who'd quietly been observing my celebrity chats all evening without saying a word. Jane turned to her, smiled, and I quickly explained who she was.
"Pussy-such a great word. Definitely my favorite," Jane repeated, then another reporter snagged her for a photo.
I slept soundly that night, dreaming of Jane's scarlet power suit crumpled on my bedroom floor.
