Dear Tristan,

I've been single for awhile now, which has meant a lot more masturbating rather than sex. However, I've that since the end of my last relationship, I've been unable to orgasm through sex. I wind up having to masturbate to finish. Is this an easily fixable problem do you think? Am I masturbating too much?

Wondering And Nervous to Know

Hi W.A.N.K.,
 
Are you masturbating too much? I think that's pretty hard to do. I spend a lot of time telling folks to masturbate more, so don't expect me to tell you to masturbate less. Of course, if masturbating is keeping you from getting to work on time, eating, sleeping, and other regular activities then I might say it is time to tone it down a bit! What you are describing is actually quite common.

Here is the thing: the way we have sex and get off is as sensitive to regular routines and habits as many of the other daily activities we experience. Some people can only fall asleep on their stomach. Why? Because that is the way they have been doing it for a long time. Is it possible for them to fall asleep on their back? Yes, but it is going to take some work. Orgasms are a lot like that. It is really difficult for some people to come lying on their back if they learned and became accustomed to coming while on their stomach. Can they come other ways? Sure, but it can take a lot of extra work. The best thing for you (and everyone) to do is to switch things up while you are masturbating. This goes for both your body position and the type of stimulation you are using. Try new things. Do you always jerk off in bed? Ever try in a chair or standing up? Like a firm grip? Try a loose grip and see how far it can take you. Think of it as cross-training for the bedroom!

My final thought on the subject is this: is jerking off to come with a partner a bad thing? I know that people have a lot of expectations when it comes to sex. But there is nothing wrong with you touching yourself during partner sex or helping things come to a conclusion. If you both ultimately had a good time together and you both came, I encourage you to try to be less invested in how each event happened and more in that it *did* happen. Then, collapse in a pile of sweat and enjoy yourselves!

with lube + affection,

Tristan